Yeah but I am worried though.

Staying positive without getting all toxic about it.

I was recently in a candle store and I noticed the song “Don’t worry, be happy” was playing on the radio. I couldn’t help but crack a smile cause it’s just so dumb.  As my partner, Dan, was making polite conversation with the guy behind the counter, I was carefully smelling the candles, trying to decide which one I wanted to take home. It was then that I heard the line, The landlord says your rent is late, you may have to litigate… for the second time. A felt a tiny flutter of disquiet but was quickly distracted by all the nice smells.

I finally picked an apple candle and the guy at the counter commended my choice. I blushed, “It really does smell like apple!” And as I finished up paying, I heard the song start over again from the beginning, confirming what I suspected—dude was playing the Bobby McFerrin* single on repeat. Suddenly I felt like I couldn’t get out of the store fast enough.

When we were safely out on the sidewalk I told Dan about the repeating lyrics and he said he was talking to the guy and didn’t notice. However, if he was playing that song on repeat, that was “creepy as shit.”

I wondered, what kind of person plays that song over and over again? Clearly somebody deranged. What if that guy just locked the doors while we were inside his candle store and we weren’t allowed to leave and he just kept playing that fucking song? You bet you’re ass I would start worrying. Would he dismember us while singing bee bee ba bee ba beeda beeda boodie boody boo?

Maybe that guy just really liked the song. Maybe he was having a bad day and put it on repeat to cheer himself up. Maybe he was both worried and sad about something. Or, maybe, the candles in his store were actually made out of humans…

I bring up this story because 1.) I am fascinated by seemingly mundane scenarios that suddenly take on a subtle, sinister twist** and 2.) because I think the message of that song is shitty and a little cruel. No offense to Bobby McFerrin or anybody who likes that song. Well, actually, some offense.

I’m not a huge fan of the term “toxic positivity,” but it is a real thing, and as a person who’s dealt with severe depression for most of my life, I’ve gotten some version of the advice “Don’t worry, be happy” more times than I can count. And all it did (and still does) is piss me off. When I was in a particularly dark period (rock bottom as the folks in AA like to call it) I was the dick for getting mad when people seemed to think that I could smile my way out of wanting to jump in front of a train.  

Yes, there is something to be said for keeping a positive mindset. There are ways to break your internal monologue out of the k-hole of negative rumination with things like cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy.

But like, if you are sad and/or worried about something THAT IS OK. Especially if you’re in the process of trying to quit drinking, because that shit is stressful. And honestly, worry can be a catalyst for making a change. For some people, getting sick of the constant worry that comes with problematic drinking is a big motivator to get sober. There are also times that you just need to be sad, and it’s good for your mental health for you to just let that emotion be for a while. Like if you’re grieving, or your heart is broken, or if you get a fun size Starburst and they are both yellow. And if there seems to be no end to the worry or the sadness, then it’s more likely that what you’re dealing with is anxiety and depression, in which case therapy will be helpful, not a dumbass catchphrase.

Look man, positivity is subjective. Making it through the day without using or self-harming or, you know, dying, is as about as positive as some of us can be some days. After living through an extended period of time like that, I found that my moments of positivity were more on the quiet side, like writing in my journal with my morning coffee how grateful I was to not be so fucked up anymore. Why is that less valuable because I didn’t walk down the street smiling or make small talk with everybody?

Sometimes I like to go full goth listen to really dramatic Turkish darkwave when I’m feeling down, other times, I prefer to watch silly Japanese cooking videos. What cheers you up won’t necessarily work for your neighbor. And that’s cool! What’s not cool is forcing everybody to consume a homogenized form of positivity that rings so hollow that it makes anyone who’s in a lonely place feel a bajillion times more lonely.

So be sad if you need to. And if you like seeking out bizarre, cult-y, scary movies to cheer you up, please let me know what fun stuff you find, you big weirdo.  

Tabitha

*I’m not going to link out to the song. Instead I will link to Key and Peele’s hilarious sketch about Bobby McFerrin.

**Shirley Jackson and Richard Matheson are both great at this.